The Hawkeye 2.0

Twilight Bites
By Savannah Henderson


I think one of the things that frustrates me most about Twilight is Edward's seemingly absolute and inexplicable perfection. Yes, I know, he's a vampire, and as such, is supposed to be the epitome of excellence and exquisiteness. This is not an excuse. In my opinion, Edward, being a main character in a book series, is obligated to have at least one major character flaw, and no, vampirism does not count. Not only are his incorruptible selflessness, kindness, and intelligence frustrating and grossly unrealistic, they are also some of the many traits that make him such a dull character. Another reason I dislike Twilight is the character Bella Swan.

Isabella Swan represents everything I hate in this world. Not really. But she is annoying.

Consciously or subconsciously, when Stephenie Meyer created the character Bella, she also created a blatant attack on both feminism and female independence. For example, when Bella was accepted to Dartmouth, one of the best colleges in the country, she stoutly refused , in favor of turning into a vampire. Her excuse? She was afraid of aging, and looking older than her 17-year-old boyfriend. Another example of Bella's complete codependence and spinelessness? She allowed her boyfriend to pressure her into marriage, despite the fact that she did not want to marry him, and that she knew her parents wouldn't approve. So instead of standing up for herself, she conceded, and married her boyfriend at the ripe old age of eighteen. Her mother and father were both inexplicably supportive of this decision, although they had spent the first eighteen years of her life discouraging her from doing exactly that. Unfortunately, everything seemed to work out perfectly.

Then, although they knew that Edward could crush her to death as easily as I could tear a tissue in half, and that every one of his bodily excretions, from his tears to his saliva (which really makes me question the wisdom of their copious frenching throughout the series) Bella and Edward decided it would be a good idea to practice unsafe sex.

And of course, Bella Swan ends up pregnant. At eighteen. With a baby that will probably kill her. And she's happy about it. Way to go, Stephenie Meyer, you've got feminism spewing out of your ears.

Of course, we all remember what Happened in New Moon. When, after Edward left Bella, she almost literally fell apart. She did not try to pull herself together. She did not try to move on. She did not try to acquire any semblance of independence or self-confidence. Instead she sat there wallowing in her own self-pity and ignoring the advances of Jacob Black, the only decent character that Stephenie Meyer managed to create.

Instead, she decided to partake in dangerous, irresponsible, and quasi-suicidal behavior, just so she could hallucinate hearing Edward's voice.

Afterward, when Edward reentered the picture, she literally leapt into his arms. Never mind the fact that he left her, and refused to contact her for a year. He was instantaneously and absolutely forgiven. The fact that he ruined her life for nearly a year? Never again mentioned by Bella for the entire series.

I don't like Twilight because it not only allows, but takes delight in Bella's weakness, how pathetic she is, and how spineless. Edward is an uninteresting and two-dimensional character, the writing is over-embellished and mediocre, and the plot is all but non-existent.

I don't like Twilight because it's misogynistic.

I don't like Twilight because it's overrated.

I don't like Twilight because it's a waste of paper, and I don't like Twilight because I think it's lame. I don't care when people say that they like, or even love Twilight, but I can't stand it when they say it's good. This book is second rate at best, sexist, and says all the wrong things about a women's role in a relationship, and presents it in the lamest way imaginable.

And for these reasons, I can say with complete and utter confidence, that Twilight bites.